i havent written you down in a while. ive tried to remember you, but ive also tried to remember forgetting. ive found an old routine again and it reminds me why i referred to it as old. it hasnt come back full force but it might, and i dont really have much reason to stop it. i might as well ride this agin... although it just prolongs the numbness. i would like to explore the realm that made me so uncomfortable before – the realm that could be new this time around, to see what i stt as this new person. i would like to find my self in a new form of uncomfort, so that i can learn something new about how i will react and how i will feel. there is a man standing in the middle of the street blowing trash around with a blower. this body has learned routines and acts them out without message from mind, and that is starting to not bother me – which greatly and drastically frightens me to some core.